We're going a little dark on the blog today. Bear with me.
I love Evie. She is my life. Her happiness and well-being consume me. A life without her would be unbearable.
Does she love me like I love her?
Welcome to one of the fears unique to adoption. Attachment.
Does she think I am just the lady that feeds and clothes her? Does she think I'm just temporary? Does she even notice when I'm gone? Does she think I'm just a "substitute" mom? These questions, and more, have crossed my mind more than once. Further compounding these fears, she doesn't call me anything. She's pretty much non-verbal at getting my attention.
Until last week, these fears were heavy on me. I had once brought up to Stephen these fears, and he was quick to assure me that I was being absurd. Last week that all changed. She turned 19 months and these worries began to crumble away. All at once, I could see that she not only knew me, but she wanted me around. She began craving hugs and kisses. She started initiating hand-holding. Most importantly, she started calling me Momma.
Perhaps I was being irrational, and all it took for her to become more attached to me was spending a couple of days in MDO. Maybe she's just finally reaching that stage where she realizes she is her own person. Who knows?
I just know that I'm feeling the love.
The road ahead of us will be paved with challenges, tough questions, and deep emotions. I'm very grateful that we'll overcome them because we can love each other through them.
Perhaps I was being irrational, and all it took for her to become more attached to me was spending a couple of days in MDO. Maybe she's just finally reaching that stage where she realizes she is her own person. Who knows?
I just know that I'm feeling the love.
The road ahead of us will be paved with challenges, tough questions, and deep emotions. I'm very grateful that we'll overcome them because we can love each other through them.
This is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is 3 and those thoughts are still in the back of my head... Where I try to keep them. She's always called me Mama but she isn't the most affectionate child.. And at 3 she is especially busy with playing. I realized just a few minutes ago that I don't think she's kissed me in two days. And i have to beg her for hugs or kisses. Plus, she's in the fantasy stage so she wants us to call her Princess Fiona. And she calls me Prince Charming:( I wonder if these worries will ever be put to rest. Just wanted you to know you are not alone with those thoughts. Btw, came to your blog from instagram (phipps20)
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