Surviving a Winding Road

Excerpt from Adoptive Families Magazine

By Carrie Krueger

As adoptive parents know, the light at the end of the tunnel is truly worth it—parenthood! But our journeys may be filled with twists and turns, and, possibly, a detour or two. In the U.S., a family may be matched with an expectant mother who decides not to place her baby with them (or not at all), or experience a foster placement that does not lead to adoption. In overseas adoption, families occasionally report having to switch programs or countries.

The good news is that almost every prospective parent who faces such challenges goes on to adopt. Almost universally, these parents say they wound up with the child who was “meant to be” theirs. We spoke with experts and parents about what you might expect going in, how you might lessen your risk of an unsuccessful adoption, and how to move on to your ultimate goal.

DOMESTIC: Good Communication Is Key

When parents adopt a newborn in the U.S., they’re matched with a prospective birthmother, not with a child. Many pregnant women explore adoption, and many change their minds along the way—choosing to parent, making a kinship arrangement, or selecting a different family to adopt the child. Thus, adoptive parents may begin working with an expectant mother who later changes her mind. Most of these false starts happen soon after the match is made, before it’s progressed beyond a single, casual conversation. But, of the families who reported one or more false starts in Adoptive Families’ 2009-2010 Cost & Timing of Adoption Survey, about 10 percent said the match fell through after they had built a relationship with a prospective birthmother over three or more months, and, nine percent, after the birth of the baby.

Adoption attorney Gregory Franklin says there are no surefire ways to avoid a false start, but he advises parents to mitigate the risk by working with experienced professionals who are very familiar with the process. Good communication between all the parties is a must. He and other experts believe that very young birthmothers are more likely to change their minds about an adoption plan. Parents should also proceed with caution if the adoption plan is not supported by the birthfather and birth grandparents. Appropriate counseling can help the expectant mother feel sure about whichever decision she makes.

“My advice to prospective families would be to know the laws of the expectant mother’s state, and to openly discuss those worst-case scenarios with your social worker or lawyer,” says Michelle Datsko, of King of Prussia, Pennsylvania. “I would rather know the risks than turn a blind eye in hope that everything will be fine.”

Acceptance of a setback is not easy. Joni Mantell, director of the Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center, helps parents see that what happened was specific to this situation alone. It does not happen every time, and there will be a successful placement in the future. “One hundred percent of the time, if you stick with the process and work with a legitimate adoption attorney or agency, you will adopt,” she says. She encourages parents to mark the loss, accept what is not to be, and continue down the path.

The way you process the loss is a matter of personal preference. Some, like the Datskos, prefer to jump right back into the waiting pool. “We saw no advantage in lingering off the list. We knew we would heal best by believing that we’d be a family before too long,” she says. She and her husband adopted their son two months after a match fell through. Gina Felhofer and her husband, on the other hand, took some time for “self-care” after each of their two false starts. “We went on a weekend trip and I took some time off from work. We questioned whether domestic adoption was a good fit for us. The answer was yes,” she says. “We wanted a connection with our child’s birth family, and our desire to be parents far outweighed the heartbreak of a placement that wasn’t meant to be.” Two months later the Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin, couple were matched with their daughter’s birthparents. “We can’t imagine it any other way.”

If a match with a prospective birthmother doesn’t lead to adoption, you might:

Join a U.S. waiting parents group. You can connect with more than 300 families in the “U.S. Newborn Waiting Parents” group on adoptivefamiliescircle.com.

Consider how soon to pursue another placement. You’ll want to determine your emotional readiness—do you want to put your profile on hold and take a break?—but also think about the logistics—does any of your paperwork expire after a certain time? Will your spot in the pool be preserved?

Share your loss with the next expectant mother. Your openness can create intimacy and allow honest communication about the status of this new placement.

The Long View of Adoption:

When a prospective or actual placement doesn’t end in adoption, do not see it as a failure. In the end, the twists in the road to parenthood build resiliency, a trait that will be helpful when it’s your time to parent. In fact, the feeling of adopting the child who was “meant to be” is shared by almost every parent who went through such challenges.

“As much as I hated it whenever people said ‘maybe next time’ or ‘it just wasn’t meant to be,’ it was the truth,” says Stephanie Welte, of Brownsburg, Indiana. “I wanted to have a good relationship with the birthmother of our child and we do. I can’t imagine our having a similar relationship with any of the other expectant moms we were matched with. And, of course, I can’t imagine having another baby! If any of those adoptions had been successful, I wouldn’t have my Kayla.”

Carrie Krueger is a freelance writer and social media content strategist. She is the adoptive mother of three, and lives with her family in Washington.